Patience is a virtue...

Wish I could be more patient...seems to be the more I try the worse I get?! I am SO tired. The kids are bored. I am grouchy! It has been a REALLY tough month....a "maid" who has caused me all sorts of pressure, a husband who has been travelling more than he's been home and a nasty bout of mycoplasma which has dragged on and one despite a multitude of pills and potions. My Doctor is a really sweetie though and actually rang me today to see how I am! This afternoon I have promised to take F and E ten pin bowling...I know it will be a mission in itself...I must learn to accept that is how things are and that I must put my calm head on .... !
Keep on smiling....nearly Crimbo, eh?!

Wake up call

Today is proof that my MS has not "disappeared"! I have been very lucky since living here in Singapore.....no major relapses and just a few "symptoms" indicate that I am in remission I guess?! Those symptoms however are not to be made light of.....the fatigue I am experiencing this afternoon has almost wiped me out.....couldn't even get off the sofa to make toast for lunch :-(
Never mind.....tomorrow will bring a new day........tomorrow I will be stronger.....MS will NOT get the better of me. I am stonger than it thinks.

Tired....oh so tired.....

It's been a while since I last blogged and once again I am "moaning"! I am however sooooooooooooo very tired..... in fact, its MS fatigue brought on through over doing things....

I have advice for ANY woman out there who has a maid/helper/cleaner or similar.......CHECK PROPERLY that you are happy with the standard of work and that things are done the way you want them to be on a REGULAR basis.....

I didn't do so......

I must remember that the Philippino who works for me is not like us "Western woman"....the home she comes from does not having running hot water..........wardrobes........rugs.......or even a bed (a mattress on the floor is enough)............. As such, how would she know that I like (and expect) my toilets to be cleaned properly with disinfectant.......that dust settles under beds so sweeping is required etc etc etc..............

Having noticed a few "issues" I decided to over haul the master bedroom and en suite today...... 3 HOURS to sort the bathroom - including removing the vile mould that was groing inside the jacuzzi jets.......blitzing the same mould happily maturing in the marble joints of the shower...... and os on and so on....it seems window silla ARE cleaned in a manner.....never under or behind and object but around them! I then went on to the bedroom...............4 SOLID hours in there .....enough said..................anyway........one bedroom down.....6 to go........going to be a long week! Suppose I'll have to get on with it and then start on the toy room, lounges and kitchen ............... ho hum!

Better close now - business clooegues heading this way for dinner so I must start prepping!

Learning curves...

Funny old world isn't it????!

Spend so much of it moaning and groaning then something comes along to make you pick yourself up by the collar....

I've had a series of those "lessons" over the last few days..............

A dear friend who's been fighting one hell of a battle for so long is fighting an even bigger one now....(and I am not sure I can help her to win it :-(....)

Another dear friend just text me from the AIRPORT....having decided to go home to UK after 30 years here! Leaving his wife behind and a new grandchild with son and daughter in law in Oz too....

My former tutors wife contacted me by chance last weekend having "discovered" my number in her husbands address book.....seems he's up'd and left her.....she's now in a "mental hospital".....(theres more to this story but it can wait for another posting...)

All in all a weird few days.....

Grahams away and if ever I needed a hug it was NOW!

Maybe now is the time to be greatful for what I DO have.....not what I DON'T....?!

Fun and games....

Well, I've made it past day three!

Day 1 was tough but I expected it to be - new jobs always are - especially after so many years of beinh "idle"!

Day 2 was HORRIFIC! I hated every minute of it I am frank! It was SO difficult and if it COULD go wrong....it certainly DID! Coupled with the fact I am feeling lousy health wise - lots of back problems vs a bit of MS fatigue - what a delight! It was so bad I am amazed I even got up this morning!

Day 3.............I'm pleased I got up! It was "ok" today - had better days but at least I didn't feel COMPLETELY suicidal when I got home! Just VERY tired and stressed out about my OWN knowledge (or lack of it) when it comes to past perfect continuous etc....must do some cramming tonight because it's my "weak spot" and thats not much use in a language classroom when your weakness is tomorrows focus!?!?!?!

I have marked some home work today and I am sure you will understand why I chucked when I read the answer a student gave to the question "do you always wear a watch?"...........

Her answer was "No, I don't never wear a watch because I always looked after my eyes"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?!

On that note I'll leave you will a smile on your face....?!

Big girl now.....

Tomorrows a BIG day for me...I start full time employment for the first time in I don't know how many years?!

I am scared.....

I THINK I am sort of ready?!?!?

Won't really know until after the event I guess?! I think teahing 25, 18 year old non English speaking Chinese, Korean and Japanese students would be a task for even the most experienced of teachers?!

Wish me luck..............

My baby girl....

My poor darling Wummy....(Thats my nickname for Amy by the way!)

I am in Hong Kong on a short break with the kids and she is at home crying without her Mummy :-( I failed again..........!

Her IDIOT of a boyfriends dumped her :-(

I CAN call him an idiot because its true.......NOONE would be stupid enough to dump someone as amazing as my baby girl if they weren't a COMPLETE IDIOT!

Its an old cliche but........................"He is NOT worth it"

I know that it won't always be this painful for her - hey..we've all loved and lost I guess but at that point, we all know that horrible raw feeling AND its always worse to BE dumped than TO dump....almost insult to injury and leaves you feeling worthless and unloved?

I hope she moves on quickly and doesn't dwell on this guy......its easy to try and beg them back.....but its unlikely to work even if he accepted....once its gone wrong once.......trust me.....I am an EXPERT!

It is however, important for her to know how much I LOVE HER! Always have done, always will do.......18 in just 3 months and always been my "right hand man"! We've been through lots together. Shes my friend......

Be brave Amy - I love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sleeeeepy!

Was hoping to BLOG that all is well again................BUT.............after a bit of a trying day, I am sooooooooooooooooo SLEEPY! I don't want to write about my day for fear of sounding like a "moany old minney! so will leave that side of the tale "blank" in the vague hope tomorrow lets the sun shine a little brighter ;-)
Graham will come home tomorrow night which is "fabby"......life is always that much harder on your own................I want, also, to thank YOU....yes, YOU............for reading my BLOG..........I thought I had "no friends" but I guess if you've read "this far" you must be at least a "bit" interested in boring old me?!?!?! If not....don't tell me....let me luxuriate!

Its official..............

I am a FAILURE as a parent.....!

There.....don't it! Admitted my main failing in public!

I've tried, heavens knows I really have............but somewhere, somehow I lost the art of parenting and the evidence is on show for all to see...........

I am the proud owner of two hyper children who have little respect or regard for anything I say and continually wind each other up beyond belief. I have tried to explaining to them patiently, slowly and in a child like way, shouting, penalising them and a multitude of other tactics - non of which appear to make the blindest bit of difference. I have now threatened to leave them at home when I go out in future (though I am not sure how affective this threat is in the "real world")........I find shopping in particular an absolute nightmare with them. I can't choose a Birthday card for worrying about where they are and what they are doing/touching. If I attempt to buy shoes they are diving around on the chairs at a volume only a rock concert could compete against and when grocery shopping I return home almost empty handed and frustrated due to them begging constantly for "this" and "that" meaning that I am unable to concentrate on the task in hand. I am near to tears, feel a failure and am EXTREMELY concerned that I seem almost unable to cope with a task that BILLIONS of women excel in all around me. I am tired of the moaning and the whining...................I am embarrassed by their indications as to my lack of ability in the parenting field and wish I knew where I went so wrong.......

My smile slipped.............

I tried..............I REALLY did.............but then I broke ANOTHER tooth on a croissant of all things and my attempt at good humour fell somewhat...........It really IS hard to be "happy" when so many things seem to be going wrong and you feel lousy in to the bargain...........SORRY...........I'll try and pick myself up, brush myself off and turn my mouth upside down in to the smile I promised as quickly as I can but for today......................:-(

Time to look around and smile

I have decided to post something "different" today, having had chance to sit back and think on my previous postings and reflect on their nature and tone etc.........

Some of you reading this will know who I refer to from here but I shall for obvious reasons keep her "anonomous" where possible............

My Blog, usually speaks of doom and gloom...........is somewhere I off load my heartache and pain.........someone to talk to in a quiet world I guess? I am ashamed however that I have only used it in this way! Its true to say that I have found it necessary to "off load" the bad days BUT it must be a terrible bore for anyone reading it to hear little other that moan after moan about MY life when I am sure the reader has their own "fair share" of personal problems to contend with. This is where my friends Blog comes in to play...........she is a cancer patient.........and has been blogging the most incredible and enviable account of her feelings and research for her friends and families to share. The Blog is well written, chirpy and informative, provides lots of potential for reflection and consideration and is a pleasure to read - unlike mine I feel?! The lady in question has just posted a "happiness scale" entry and it has generated much in the way of response and I am sure has had many a person thinking about their lives and how they see them - my own included. It is easy to be as I have been and feel YOU are having a tough time, that YOU are miserable because..............., that YOU don't feel well, YOU don't have much quality to your life, YOU don't have, have, have............. The list would be endless BUT the fact is that in fact, as she cleverly points out in her writings we are ALL very lucky and should really appreciate what we DO have not we DON'T................... I don't actually think she MEANS he entries to be directed in this way but somehow they are and I am grateful that I for one have had them to guide me to where I am today...............

On that note, I want to tell you what I have done this week............(In the past I would have moaned that I have had a sore throat/cold virus!) but even with that, I have enjoyed my week so far..........a simple one full of laughter and smiles............I packed a simple lunch for myself and the children on Monday and we took a Bum Boat over to Pulau Ubin. Ubin is such a contrast to busy Singapore and we had such a lovely time just "listening" to the world about us.............crickets chirruping, birds calling, wild boar squeeling, we laughed and laughed at some of the suggestions Heather in particular came up with for what was causing some of the noises! It amazed even Frazer as to how vivid her imagination could be when relying purely on the sense of hearing, to identify her surroundings! We lunched standing up from a bag whilst skimming pebbles in to the quarry and generally had a super, though simple time.

Frazer and I have made chocolate muffins .......... sewn felt toys for Heather...........grown crystals and a multitude of other things. Heather has eaten muffins................played with felt toys.............stirred the crystals and been to the zoo for the day without seeing any animals!!! (She decided the playground was much more fun!)

Frazer and Heather fight terribly in the main and in the past it used to drive me almost INSANE! I now know its "normal"...................they are just young.................different in age, ability and interest.................so I TRY to stay calm, TRY to deflect the troubles............provide new tasks and activities to settle the situation....................failing that I will see the Dr and resort to medication ;-)

The sun is shining, its warm on our skins, we have fresh fruit and vegetables in our fridge and life IS good.................... My eldest daughter is making me proud..............a delightfully polite young lady who has now started work and is now a "grown up"! It doesn't seem like yesterday that I brought her in to the world and yet here I am an "old lady" with a daughter almost as old as I was when I gave birth to her (I hope she doesn't follow in my footsteps................there is plenty of time Amy if you are reading this ;-))

I AM lucky.......................In fact, I am also HAPPY......................noone said there wouldn't be rough with the smooth...................NOONE promised a life without worry or pain.................its all part of a normal existance, its how we manage it that matters? My life was perhaps a glass half empty, now I think its a glass half full................in fact, I am known for giving good measures so perhaps I should say its "almost full"?!

Once again..................

"Appreciate what you DO have, not what you DON'T"

Thank you dear friend for helping me to start forming a "new me" ..... a calmer, happier person as a result of your direction.......................I am going to make my family proud of me............I am going to be a good Mum...............I AM GOING TO BE MORE POSITIVE..............

MRI result

I'm home...............!

All went ok today though its been a long drawn out process to say the least!

The MRI was performed at 11-30am and took around 40 minutes to be completed. I opted to have just a brain rather than brain and spinal (purely from a costing point of view! Also, my previous lesions have been mainly on the brain so I think this is my weaker area).

The scan results were sent over to my Neurologist in Mount Elizabeth who saw me to discuss at 2-30pm. It seems there are more areas of sclerosis than even I had realised, one of which is on the brain stem itself. Fortunately it would appear none are "active" at present. The Neurologist is sourcing previous scans from the UK to see how stable the brain lesions are by way of comparisson. As always, the report has too many big words and phrases such as "multiple scattered foci of abnormal high signal" and "low signal density". I don't know if these are phrases to be concerned about but the Neurologist didn't comment on them so I didn't ask opting for the "ignorance is bliss" decision! I shant google either as Graham gets cross when I "self diagnose"! The headache continues though has eased slightly and as long as I continue with my "dark glasses" I am not suffering too much with my vision at present. The Neurologist seems to think that the fall I had from the treadmill 5 weeks ago (causing my fractured sacral bone) was likely to be due to an "episode" of which I am now recovering (that would make sense as my attacks usually last 6 weeks)

I shall have my periphial vision checked on Friday and have to see the Neurologist again in 2 weeks.

Brain Scan

Had another lousey couple of days.........Bad migraine like headaches and strange vision. Opticial tests suggested the optic nerve was swollen in both eyes so yesterday was spent at Mount Elizabeth between Neurologists and Opthalmic Specialists. The nerve is indeed rather pale in both eyes suggesting there could be a problem. The eyes were dilated and the constricted during the examination procedures but left me in rather a bad way.....the effects were supposed to last up to an hour but FOUR hours later I was in Accident and Emergency with little vision, one pupil like a saucer and the other like a pin! It appears I reacted badly to the medication! Today they are much better though still "glassy" and I am still wearing dark glasses even indoors! I have an MRI scan booked for 11-15am, if nothing else it will give the Neurologist a good idea of previos MS relapse history and confirm any "active lessions" that may be present. Its all a bit naff and I'm getting down over always feeling so rotten but try so hard to remember there are many far worse off. Graham flies to Cambodia today then on to Hong Kong I think? Not sure! It's a lonely difficult life when you are unwell as an Expat...........I'll update again later............

Jinxed.............................?!?!

I am beginning to wonder if I need to see someone about my constant "bad luck"..........I know everyone gets a share I know but I am beginning to feel I tend to receive more than my fair share with each new "issue" dragging me down just a bit further in to the wonderment of it all. I don't know how to stop it.......................I don't know who to ask......................Graham says there are "bad kama" experts? I don't know about them and don't even know if they work but I think I'd give them a try if they do.........................

Car accident

I was travelling UP Siglap Road.......Up in front I saw a dust cart turn down Elite Park Terrace and I was loathed to follow it due to the stench so decided to turn right along 2nd Avenue instead. I indicated, slowed down, didn't COMPLETELY stop as there was no one in my mirror or coming DOWN the hill but as I turned met with a loud collision on my drivers side with a motor cyclist who was travelling fast whilst "overtaking me"......I saw him drop his bike and slide before getting up so asked him to turn in to 2nd Avenue so that we were no longer in the path of oncoming traffic. He had a slightly grazed knee but thankfully no other injury. He admitted that he was riding too fast to stop when he saw my indicator and so had tried to speed past me before I actually turned. I guess he misjudged it as he drove straight in to the drivers side door and wing. The Police said there was no action for them to take as was down to insurance and that they would not be filing a report. I was met with a bit of "racism" with "Witnesses" who no longer spoke any English, only native or Malay and a Police Officer who didn't even ask if I was OK and referred to me as the "Ang Mo"! The ambulance gave the chap a plaster for his knee and went on their way. The Police also left. I had to take the car to a work shop for the repair/assessment and to an office in Ang Mo Kio to file a report. The lawyers there said I needed to get the Motor bike driver to say that he was travelling too fast. He agreed to do so and we arranged to meet in town.....sadly, before I could get him to give the golden confirmation of this he had spoken with friends who had told him not to and so he refused despite once again confirming that whilst he had seen my indicator he knew he couldn't stop so tried to "avoid me" instead...............HO HUM! I guess I shall have to leave it in the hands of the assessors now but feel quite confident that its fairly obvious that cars can't "side step" so the only way he could virtually have written off the area he did was by doing what he did do...........driving directly in to me! The car is a mess..........need complete new nose (due to it being part of one large piece) a new wheel, wheel axis, wing, door, wing mirror plus anything else they find when they get it up for inspection. The parts will need to be flown in from Korea so not sure how long before its fixed but it will cost several thousand. The bike apparently will cost $600 to "fix" but other than a broken stand and abrasions to paint work there didn't appear to be much damage. I guess the fact that he drove straight in to the panel meant most of the inpact was absorbed by his front wheel and the damaged incurred was merely where he dropped the bike. Anyway, thats that........... Ho Hum! I am however grateful that there was no major damage to the one thing no price can be put to...................LIFE. My back is rather painful but I think its due to the jolt and stress making the muscle cramp rather than any further damage to the sacral bone.

My MUM!

My Mum is coming.............YAY!!!!!

Noone looks after you like "Mummy does"................

I am SO looking forward to having her here with us, especially with Graham being away in Europe. Its funny really what I miss as an expat................I don't miss England but I do miss "silly" things............things like showing off my fruiting papayas or bananas! Perhaps a new skirt or blouse. Telling people I love them in person (Not that I tell everyone I love them you'll understand?!?!). The smell of my Mums "Lenor" fabric conditioner! The jokes we can only share when we are together (along with a bit of "gossiping") The list actually is endless! These things all seem a bit "trivial" but some times they don't seem that way!

Anyway..............come the weekend, I shall be able to enjoy my Mum and gain a few more of the wonderful memories that keep me going through the "gray days"!

Busy................

So much seems to have happened recently that I don't know where to begin! I am sure also that an indepth tale would bore you to tears anyway?!

In short.....................

I am home but still in a lot of pain. There are days that I THINK I am much better but in the "real world" the truth is I am just learning to manage the pain better through an understanding of when and how to take the drugs! I am VERY aware of how little I have really "moved on" when I am even just a few minutes late in the taking of my next dose and suffer agonising pain until they finally take hold again. I find this both upsetting and extremely frustrating.... I am as you know an active person and not very good and the realisation of being "limited"..... I also am in a somewhat difficult position of having an "over caring husband" who sometimes doesn't quite understand that there is little I can do to help STOP the pain OTHER than take the pills. I think he sometimes tries "too hard" and I find that in itself a bit frustrating! Walking around is actually FAR LESS painful that laying up resting too much as I simply can't deal with the pain of pressure..........It sounds a silly thing to say, so I guess thats what he doesn't understand?! I guess in the past I haven't been very good at "resting" so he is trying to protect me but on this occassion I am doing what I need to do to prevent agony not "overdoing" it because I'm the stubborn mule I always have been! That said, I am fully aware that I must take things easy and I am careful not to do too much or go to busy areas where by I may take a knock so dislodging the fracture even further............My last x-ray showed the fracture had moved since the first.

The house is resembling a refuse depot....NOT I hasten to add because the helper is not doing her job properly but because we have a new business venture and its come with outrageous amounts of paper work to absorb as quickly as possible! Graham and I are now the owners of an International IB based PYP school here in Singapore! Last week involved the appointment of a new Principal who we have brought in from Adelaide, Australia having a wealth of knowledge and experience in this field. She has worked in Mongolia and Brunei in previous years on similar projects so hopefully will be the amazing "Captain at the helm"?! I will have a large role within the school, but in a different capacity involving new and existing roles yet to be completely finalised, but on a more "Managerial/liaising" level. The Curriculum etc will be the responsibility of the Principal who is more experienced in the field so ensure the children are educated to the highest possible standard in our "school of excellence"! It is an exciting time involving many changes and its becoming difficult to prioritise priorities!!!!! Rome, however, was NOT built in a day and there is a big vision of both short and long term goals to be achieved so softly, softly..........

For now thats all............

A cup of tea is calling............

Honey I'm home............!

Well, I have finally been discharged and am soooooooooooooooooo HAPPY to be home you wouldn't believe it! I had a pretty lonely time of it in hospital to be honest! I appreciate it isn't meant to be a "jolly" but none the less I felt somewhat "alone"! Graham did his best to juggle work, kids and home so his visits were "thin on the ground" and aside from a fleeting "hi" from Amy on her way to a "skating social" and a visit from one of her friends, I was alone for the last 4 nights! Well, as alone as you can be when you have lots of faeries to talk to ;-) I was as you can imagine high as a kite most of the time on the vast quantities of morphine etc that I was given to relax all the muscles to encourage the bone to start healing itself with the aid of several other pills and potions. I did use the time to devour several books and watch a load of junk on tv as well as adding some 15,000 words to the childrens book I have been trying to write since my arrival in Asia! I am now confident that there is an end in sight and already have a potential illustrator lined up in preparation for an attempt at publishing it!
I have seen the top spinal specialise who confirmed my fears that this injury is far from over and I am to expect the pain to last for several months with healing possible in 9-12months though complete recovery may not be possible and its likely to be one of those things that continues to nag over the years................HO HUM! Never mind - the improvement I feel so far is something though I am pretty sure thats a result of the drugs as I notice the severe pain return around half hour before the next dose is due! I am grateful to the specialist for having dealt with the "pain management" side of my problem as it was truely unbearable to say the least. I am at present sat on a huge blow up ring but can't say that completely resolves the issue but goes some way towards eleviating the pressure caused by sitting so creating a slightly more comfortable position in which to rest for a while. Standing is still by far the best place to be though isn't conclusive to a "restful day"!!!!
Thank you to all of you who have been so kind to me and shown so much care towards me.
A HUGE thank you to Graham for putting up with such a nuisance of a wife for so long with little in the way of complaint.....I love you!

Hospital

Well, I guess it was inevitable considering the injury but todays appointment with the Specialist has revealed the necessity to hospitilise me. I need proper pain management of opiates and rest to ensure recovery and so here I am jotting a couple of quick lines before I go in.....I am completely fed up.....if the pain is not enough, the fact that I have to leave my darling husband and children alone is.......I have many other problems at home that need dealing with but am not up to them at the moment - very frustrating for me but little I can do. I shall stay here until the children go to bed in an hour then head in so as not to disturb their bedtimes at least for this evening................

The fracture............

Well...............the pain appears to have increased over the last few days despite the heavy duty pain killers. I remember telling Graham on either Saturday or Sunday that I could almost feel something move in my back and a strange grating sensation just before the pain intensified. Today I returned to the Specialist who after several x-rays confirmed that in fact the fracture has moved further - hence the pain etc......It seems that pain management is still the only way at the moment though if the fracture finally gets to a 90degree angle manipulation may be required though I'm not sure I fancy the idea as it appears to be done via the rectum! HO HUM! For now then I continue to fly with the faeries with injections daily and now another prescription of oral morphine too......Not sure about that though as it means I can't have a sneaky glass of wine! Now, theres a thought.............if I have more than one sneaky glass of wine, perhaps I won't need the opiates?!?!?! Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm! I smell a plan ;-)
Not sure where that humour just came from as these days I feel like the most miserable person in the universe! Its amazing how much pain can drag you down and even knowing there are so many far worse off than myself, I find it hard to battle on sometimes and revert to the tears instead!
Well, thats all for now..............
Thanks for reading x

COMMENTS

I know some of you have had trouble posting comments as you don't have an "account" so I have now changed my BLOG settings to enable anyone to post a comment - even if you would like to do so anonomously (I'm feeling a bit lonely just talking to myself!)

Update.........

Well, I guess that in fact there is little to update!?!?! I am still in a substantial amount of pain and am now suffering with side effects from the drugs - nausea in the main...... Muscle spasms??? Seem to be making the pain worse and at night the only way I have been able to sleep is on my left side with pillows propping me up and supporting my spine but now I am unable to do this anymore due to cramping pains through my thigh (I guess due to the compression?) As I can only "perch" on a VERY soft surface whilst leaning forwards, sleeping in a chair is not an option and I am becoming increasingly fatigued from the constant pressure of struggling around in an upright position. The bruises have now started to fade in colour though the same cannot be said for their discomfort. I think I may have to return to the Specialist tomorrow though think all that he can do is up the drugs...........pain management seems to be the only option with this type of injury as its too deepset to fix through surgery. All in all it would seem I have posted yet another of my whining updates..........SORRY and if you got this far without falling asleep - thankyou for reading so patiently! x

Injections

Finally thanks to the wonders of medical science I am feeling slightly more comfortable and am able to sit and type this (high as a kite on medication however!). Today I actually managed to get out of my bed before the 4pm "injection" appointment at the hospital and by sitting forwards on a cushion softer than marshmallows am able to park myself in the lounge for a few minutes at a time!

The injection is AMAZING though in itself VERY uncomfortable. The needle is longer than I dare describe for fear of frightening my readers as much as it frightens me!!!! The reason being is that to administer the medication, it has to go deep in to the muscle to be effective! I have been having the injections daily at around 4pm so they are effective through the night when I need the relief the most but hadn't given due consideration to how irritated the muscles would become with the constant interference (even though the nurses alternate between left and right side)..............yesterdays injection was shere AGONY! I ended up not sure what was worse - the back or the injection! It was so bad and cramped for so long that in fact I woke this morning (still under the influence of its magical powers) with the opinion that I'd be better trying without it rather than go through the agony again. That was all well and good until that magic began to wear off and the sacral pain returned with a vengence! Suffice to say I was begging for it at the hospital at 4pm again! I spoke to the Specialist and nurses about the previous days discomfort and they were wonderful - it was decided to try my buttock today which was much easier (probably due to my fat depth in that area!?!?!) I was also given some heavy duty pain relief patches and a pretty heavy prescription for the controlled drug, "morphine". I am not sure if I still have a pain...............wouldn't have a clue in fact........................................................too busy flying with the purple, diamond studded faeries who come visiting me! I simply don't understand why noone else can see or hear them?! In fact, I've noticed people giving me strange looks when I mention them. Perhaps they aren't looking hard enough, or are walking around with their eyes shut because I am sure they are here............! On that note.............I'll leave you to see if you too can see them.............
Bye for now! x

I can't.....................

I am sooooooooooooo down...............................I KNOW there are so many SO MUCH WORSE OFF than me and that I shouldn't moan BUT....................I AM IN SOOOOOOOOOO MCH PAIN :-(

I can't do ANYTHING..............sit, lay down, go out, sleep, bathe, use the toilet......... the pain is extreme, beyond belief and is wearing me down..............I have now noticed that I myself am sinking in the depression of it which is NOT a good thing. The evenings bring some relief as I have an intermuscular pain relief injection late afternoon, but whilst its amazing, it still doesn't get me through the night and then I am awake crying through the pain at 2-3am even WITH sleeping tablets, Arcoxia and Lexotine to help me further (all they do in fact is give you nausea in to the bargain) The Specialist has said the next step will be as an in patient with Morphine (I can't have that outside as its a controlled drug) but I really don't want to do that.

Sorry to keep complaining, shows what kind of person I am I guess..............................

The accident.......................

Well, those who know me will also know I do little at half measure so I am sure this post won't come as surprise to you!

I returned to Singapore Friday afternoon after a lovely stay with my parents. Fortunately the luxury of a Business Class seat enabled me to get plenty of sleep and so prevent too much in the way of the dreaded "jet lag"! As such, Graham and I went for a lovely curry followed by the wonderful company of Abbe, Mick and Christopher Keaney. Christopher is SUCH a honey and I think the FIRST baby to trigger any form of hormonal pangs for another baby since the decision to call Heather our "last"! Don't panic Graham - that decision still stands but it was nice to feel that "gooey" sort of "warm, fuzzy" feeling us women get! Thank you to Abbe for letting me have such lovely cuddles and thank you Christopher for being yummy and not screaming your head off when I did my best "Auntie" impression!

Anyway.........................................

Saturday came and so did the opportunity for a lovely Singaporian coffee followed my a mushroom soup YUM YUM! I purchased a gorgeous skirt and a pair of strappy sandals to help me "look the part" when I return to work tomorrow (or at least that was the plan....)

Now comes the clanger..................

We headed to Lagunita for the afternoon, the plan was for the kids to swim, Graham to catch up on some emails and I would go for a run (haven't done any whilst in the Uk as it was too cold). I was running well until I realised a numbness creeping through my left leg - sometimes the run up to an MS attack......then my bowel decided to go into over drive (another problem with MS) and I realised I MUST stop running. I stopped the machine immediately but with my brain upside down and round the wrong way and the dreaded fear I could "mess myself" in front of the entire gym of attempted to get off before the belt had completely stopped moving..........I was literally "flung" off and landed hard on my bottom and elbow.............Of couse I did all the sheepish "yes, I'm fine" things you do before you scuttle off.........My bowel fortunately held out until I got to the ladies BUT my back and elbow were somewhat painful.....I had previously booked a pedicure but could barely sit for it and had to phone Graham to get him to get me out of the seat........the pain got worse and worse until finally he demanded I see a Dr. On our way we bumped in to Shin and her family.....she said "welome back" to me and I responded with "WELCOME BACK" to her - I was elated to see such a difference in her.....I hope a miracle has been performed - it certainly appeared that way....................

An X-ray at East Shore showed I have a bad fracture to the Sabum (???haven't a clue how you spell that???!!! Its the bone above your coccyx anyway. Not a lot you can do about it though other than rest, take painkillers and wait......The pain over night was so severe I returned to the hospital again this morning. The Dr gave me a shot of pethadine and offered to admit me - I declined feeling there is little they can do that I can't do at home? The pethadine has worked miracles so far however........................I've got an MC so obviously can't start my new job tomorrow :-( Not sure how that will leave me with the new company............. :-(

Guess it could mean I have start looking again when I get myself right. Not sure they will be amused with me thowing a sicky before I even start!?!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh further update - Grahams just spoken to them - they've said not to even think about work and Graham said he'll update them as to my progress later in the week - I'm hoping that means they will let me start a bit later??? I hope so.....................

Woking

What a busy day........today I was woken to the sound of smashing bottles!!! No.........NOT the result of last nights drunks antics but the recycling cart tipping the streets recycling boxes! Fantastic that this is being done of course but I feel 6-30am is somewhat early?!?!?! I laid a while desperately searching the inside of my head for confirmation that my migraine was finally lifting.............sadly it was not. (Though now I am taking "Migralieve" I think there is some improvement at last?) A quick banana followed my "shower" before Mum and I headed to the station to catch a train to Woking.

I love Woking! I always have, always will...............so many memories............many painful...........many happy..............The shoppings good too!!!!!! Spent far more than I should have on "work clothes" so I can look "the part" when I return to Singapore and my new job on Monday. I was amazed at the choices to be had here......so many items in so many colours, shades, sizes, designs, cuts. lengths etc etc! I was also amazed at the prices! SO EXPENSIVE! I am relying on the fact that you "get what you pay for" and that I shall be wearing these "good quality" items well in to the future?! Shoes were a problem - far too high for this old lady!!!!

Have had problems getting much for the children (no, not because I have spent all my money on ME!!!) There isn't really that much worth getting for them. Did however buy Heather the most beautiful dress covered in delicate little lemon roses.....I can't wait to see her wearing it. I got a couple of tiny things for Amy too but I am not giving the game away as far as thats concerned as she'll read this blog ;-) Frazer however has been difficult to buy for so I amy have to take him for a shopping trip when I get "back home". Cousin Norman was met at 2-30pm and spent the next 3+ hours retracing just about everything he has ever learned/experienced over his 79 years of life....................all very interesting as I am sure you will understand but not so healthy for migraines ;-)

Back now in Haslemere the man two houses up is burning rubbish again - has been every night since I've been here.............the smoke is vile................The gammons is the oven and Dads just picked a sprig of mint from the garden to go in the new potatoes (I do hope the dog hasn't "watered" the plant".

Got to work out what I can leave in the UK and what I can pack tomorrow - was over my allowance on the way here so heavens help me on the return leg!

Miss my family and friends so much...............

Love you all

x

England May 2008

What a DISGRACE this country has become, even since my time in Singapore.........a dirty place full of rude, arrogant and unfriendly people who have absolute disregard for everthing and everyone. I am embarassed to even consider myself having been "one of them" and hope the I did not (and do not) behave in such a dreadful manner.

Yesterday I visited my darling daughter Harriets final resting place. I always thought that Sunvale Cemetery was a beautiful place worthy of her everylasting "bed". Harriets grave for those who don't know, is situated at the top corner with nothing but woodland behind her. Many time have I sat with her to be joined by a deer or two and the sunlight shining through the leafy canopy gave her mottled shade on even the hottest of days. Her "neighbour" was sadly soon to be another baby. also having been lost to SIDS and the later that same babies brother lost to a tragic car accident. Graham and I have purchased the plot "next door" and my parents the plot below that so one day we will rest eternally together...... Anyway, yesterday.................armed with a pot of the most delicate narcisuss daffodils I eagerly headed towards her grave (visiting her is one of the main things I miss from the UK and in some ways I often feel I have let her down by moving so far away though I am grateful to all those of you who do go to her and check shes safe when you have a spare moment. THANK YOU). I was stopped in my tracks with a heart beating so hard I am sure it could be heard in Singapore............the lowest of the low had occured..................my NIGHTMARE...............the grave has been VANDALISED. Her beautiful blue granite vase appears to have been used for AIR GUN practice with "bullet/shot" holes peppering it. The beautiful set of three white porceline bunnies Mum and Dad had taken for Easter and the selection of porceline woodland animals that I had sent to her from Singapore had ALL been stollen. Branches, broken pots and vases littered all around and I felt myself sinking in the depression of it all. The two neighbouring graves of Harriets "friends" have always been kept so beautifully but now I found them too in a disgusting condition, having not been cared for in months (the parents find visiting too painful) and (I guess) teenage friends of the deceased appearing to have held "parties" for him in his memory? Bottles of Vodka, Sambuka etc littered the grave alone with smashed mugs and chocolate bars. I guess that these parties have contributed to the damage incurred on Harriets grave but without proof what can I do............? A natural occurance has also happened...................due to the cemetery being quite "boggy" and Harriet being buried at the top of a hill, I noticed the grave has slipped slightly to the right and as such the cormers of the kerb stones cement has come away. In itself this I guess isn't a major issue but with time the stone will fall away and then smash so will need to be sorted now to prevent what could become a nightmare to deal with from "the other side of the world"...............all in all a miserable day...............My husband will no doubt be smiling at the fact I am MOANING again despite my earlier statement that I was going to try not to!
SORRY.....Love you Graham! x

England.............

Well......I'm here!

Just a few days before I head home to my lovely husband and children who I miss like you wouldn't believe......

The trip is a whirlwind.......Mum bless her is trying to fit "everything" in to a VERY short time! Its now 7pm and I am ABSOLUTELY exhausted due to both jet lag AND a hugely busy day of Garden Centres and Guildford Hight Street! I think my cousin Brenda is visiting this evening..........IF I can keep my eyes open long enough that is?!

Its SO cold here! Today I attempted a run...............only got about half a km before I had to turn back! I couldn't breath using my nose as it was starting to run faster than I was, to breathe through my mouth caused pain in my throat and chest and my hands were BLUE from the sheer wind chill factor! Not pleasant at all ..................... I shall have to work super hard next week to get my fitness back up as there is NO way I can keep it up here without getting frost bite or worse!

Mums just sorting her and Dads dinner out before I cook myself some noodles............just discovered she doesn't have any CHOP STICKS! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! How can you eat Chinese food with a knife and fork?!!!!

Ho hum!

If anyone sees my husband or children before I get home to tell them myself.............PLEASE convey my love for them all............I am SO lucky..........I hope whoever is reading this BLOG experiences even half the love I feel for them for that alone would make them EXTREMELY lucky people.............I on the other hand am EXCEPTIONALLY LUCKY....

I LOVE YOU PARKER PEOPLE!

Today...............

In every sense of the word "today" is "just another day", so why then am I finding "today" so tough to cope with?!

I never cope very well when Graham is away on a trip, it is then that if anything is going to go wrong you can guarantee it will! It is also when he's away that it seems everyone from the children to the Maid decide to "play me up" to the point where my nerves are in tatters and I feel my heart fluttering in my throat with the pressure of it all..............I guess I should be used to it by now, its certainly been this way for long enough, but I'm not...............overwhelming feelings of being "lonely", "useless", "worthless" and plenty of other similar descriptions of my days occur....I dread the mornings......always too early......always another "battle" to deal with. The days drag by, often with some MS fatigue thrown in for good measure......Then I dread bed time.........a restless night with one eye open and ears close to the ground for any "movement" from the children! For those who think having a big house is a luxury there are several things to consider before you make that assumption...............first theres the cleaning!!!! Thank heavens for the help of a maid.....quite why any home needs 7 toilets I'm yet to understand BUT I do know they all get used! One of the main issues a big house poses for me is the knowledge that if I sleep deeply, its doubtful I would hear the children cry out for me should they have a problem......knowing I am the only one here to listen out for them, leads to a series of VERY disturbed nights until such times as I can once again share the burden with Graham......I find myself wondering if I would have felt like this before we lost Harriet or whether somewhere deep inside me I associate the silence of night with fears of loss? I don't THINK thats the case but I'm not sure my concerns are altogether "normal" so perhaps there is some connection? It seems I have my "moaning head" on today - perhaps its because I'm tired? Perhaps its time I shook myself up a bit and looked at the brighter side rather than the negatives???!!!!

On that brighter side.............the sun is shining (not much new there!), Graham should be landing at Changi airport in around 3 hours and tomorrow I get to sit quitely on an aeroplane for 14 hours reading a book before seeing my lovely parents for the first time in what seems like eternity..............HOWEVER, even thats not enough to stop my moaning............I am going to miss my dear husband and children beyond belief.............even as I write this tears are streaming down my face at the thought......................I'm not gone long..............Just 6 days............BUT thats 6 days of love, laughter and memories that I shall miss out on ........ does that make me selfish and greedy as well as miserable and grumpy?!

I suppose I had better consider packing a few things?! I won't have time tomorrow morning as I need to go to "school" and collect some materials to plan my lessons with and arrange work permits etc.................

Sorry I haven't been my normal happy self, but this "self" is more "usual" than "not" these days!!!!!

:-)

Another day......

What an EXCITING but TOUGH day..................!

For those of you who know me, the following information may be a bore but, for those of you who don't, I'll outline the last few months....!

Since being in Singapore I have been teaching in a Kindergarten............this age group CERTAINLY wasn't my future BUT I decided ENGLISH LANGUAGE may well be.....

As such...............in between looking after my family, being a social butterfly and just about any other consideration you can make, I decided I should go back to school and STUDY! I am proud to say I have had a fruitful time over the last few months. My labours resulting in a distinction pass for the Cambridge Institute Diploma for Teachers and Trainers and a distinction pass grading for my TESOL................

Time to put this newly found knowledge in to practice and apply for suitable "positions"....TODAY I had probably the hardest "second interview" of my life! The first "introduction interview" was a breeze, yet today I was faced with 25 non English speaking Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Vietnamese students ALL expecting my miracle direction as a second interview............! Well, a miracle DID happen......despite sleep deprivation over the last 48 hours, for the worry of it all (and the planning of course!) I managed to slide myself ahead of the competitors (whoeever they may have been!) and WIN! The job was offered to me this evening! IELTS is now Internationally used in many areas - obviously in English schooling but also through Government Immigration Departments who now have introduced English standardisation tests before the "green cards" are issued, so I'm pretty proud of myself right now!!

Sorry this posting was very "exciting"! (and more importantly perhaps the ENGLISH IS A DISGRACE! I hope my students don't ever log in ;-)....)

Hope whatever you have achieved today is half as rewarding as what I have............

"I guess life deals so many hands - its how you play them that counts?!?!?!?"

Here I am

Well............who'd have believed it.......never thought I'd see the day that I became a "blogger" and shared my innermost feelings with....well....with...........WHOEVER chooses to spend time reading my ramblings! I guess I realised the importance of your inner most love and thoughts being "shared" in this way through my dear friend Shins blog and have decided I too have many things that I could "off load" and in a funny kind of way "share and educate" those who read that, that I write.....I hope you too will share your thoughts and opinions right back at me so I can learn more.....Thank you so much for reading thus far and welcome to a whole new journey...........