Today...............

In every sense of the word "today" is "just another day", so why then am I finding "today" so tough to cope with?!

I never cope very well when Graham is away on a trip, it is then that if anything is going to go wrong you can guarantee it will! It is also when he's away that it seems everyone from the children to the Maid decide to "play me up" to the point where my nerves are in tatters and I feel my heart fluttering in my throat with the pressure of it all..............I guess I should be used to it by now, its certainly been this way for long enough, but I'm not...............overwhelming feelings of being "lonely", "useless", "worthless" and plenty of other similar descriptions of my days occur....I dread the mornings......always too early......always another "battle" to deal with. The days drag by, often with some MS fatigue thrown in for good measure......Then I dread bed time.........a restless night with one eye open and ears close to the ground for any "movement" from the children! For those who think having a big house is a luxury there are several things to consider before you make that assumption...............first theres the cleaning!!!! Thank heavens for the help of a maid.....quite why any home needs 7 toilets I'm yet to understand BUT I do know they all get used! One of the main issues a big house poses for me is the knowledge that if I sleep deeply, its doubtful I would hear the children cry out for me should they have a problem......knowing I am the only one here to listen out for them, leads to a series of VERY disturbed nights until such times as I can once again share the burden with Graham......I find myself wondering if I would have felt like this before we lost Harriet or whether somewhere deep inside me I associate the silence of night with fears of loss? I don't THINK thats the case but I'm not sure my concerns are altogether "normal" so perhaps there is some connection? It seems I have my "moaning head" on today - perhaps its because I'm tired? Perhaps its time I shook myself up a bit and looked at the brighter side rather than the negatives???!!!!

On that brighter side.............the sun is shining (not much new there!), Graham should be landing at Changi airport in around 3 hours and tomorrow I get to sit quitely on an aeroplane for 14 hours reading a book before seeing my lovely parents for the first time in what seems like eternity..............HOWEVER, even thats not enough to stop my moaning............I am going to miss my dear husband and children beyond belief.............even as I write this tears are streaming down my face at the thought......................I'm not gone long..............Just 6 days............BUT thats 6 days of love, laughter and memories that I shall miss out on ........ does that make me selfish and greedy as well as miserable and grumpy?!

I suppose I had better consider packing a few things?! I won't have time tomorrow morning as I need to go to "school" and collect some materials to plan my lessons with and arrange work permits etc.................

Sorry I haven't been my normal happy self, but this "self" is more "usual" than "not" these days!!!!!

:-)