My smile slipped.............

I tried..............I REALLY did.............but then I broke ANOTHER tooth on a croissant of all things and my attempt at good humour fell somewhat...........It really IS hard to be "happy" when so many things seem to be going wrong and you feel lousy in to the bargain...........SORRY...........I'll try and pick myself up, brush myself off and turn my mouth upside down in to the smile I promised as quickly as I can but for today......................:-(

Time to look around and smile

I have decided to post something "different" today, having had chance to sit back and think on my previous postings and reflect on their nature and tone etc.........

Some of you reading this will know who I refer to from here but I shall for obvious reasons keep her "anonomous" where possible............

My Blog, usually speaks of doom and gloom...........is somewhere I off load my heartache and pain.........someone to talk to in a quiet world I guess? I am ashamed however that I have only used it in this way! Its true to say that I have found it necessary to "off load" the bad days BUT it must be a terrible bore for anyone reading it to hear little other that moan after moan about MY life when I am sure the reader has their own "fair share" of personal problems to contend with. This is where my friends Blog comes in to play...........she is a cancer patient.........and has been blogging the most incredible and enviable account of her feelings and research for her friends and families to share. The Blog is well written, chirpy and informative, provides lots of potential for reflection and consideration and is a pleasure to read - unlike mine I feel?! The lady in question has just posted a "happiness scale" entry and it has generated much in the way of response and I am sure has had many a person thinking about their lives and how they see them - my own included. It is easy to be as I have been and feel YOU are having a tough time, that YOU are miserable because..............., that YOU don't feel well, YOU don't have much quality to your life, YOU don't have, have, have............. The list would be endless BUT the fact is that in fact, as she cleverly points out in her writings we are ALL very lucky and should really appreciate what we DO have not we DON'T................... I don't actually think she MEANS he entries to be directed in this way but somehow they are and I am grateful that I for one have had them to guide me to where I am today...............

On that note, I want to tell you what I have done this week............(In the past I would have moaned that I have had a sore throat/cold virus!) but even with that, I have enjoyed my week so far..........a simple one full of laughter and smiles............I packed a simple lunch for myself and the children on Monday and we took a Bum Boat over to Pulau Ubin. Ubin is such a contrast to busy Singapore and we had such a lovely time just "listening" to the world about us.............crickets chirruping, birds calling, wild boar squeeling, we laughed and laughed at some of the suggestions Heather in particular came up with for what was causing some of the noises! It amazed even Frazer as to how vivid her imagination could be when relying purely on the sense of hearing, to identify her surroundings! We lunched standing up from a bag whilst skimming pebbles in to the quarry and generally had a super, though simple time.

Frazer and I have made chocolate muffins .......... sewn felt toys for Heather...........grown crystals and a multitude of other things. Heather has eaten muffins................played with felt toys.............stirred the crystals and been to the zoo for the day without seeing any animals!!! (She decided the playground was much more fun!)

Frazer and Heather fight terribly in the main and in the past it used to drive me almost INSANE! I now know its "normal"...................they are just young.................different in age, ability and interest.................so I TRY to stay calm, TRY to deflect the troubles............provide new tasks and activities to settle the situation....................failing that I will see the Dr and resort to medication ;-)

The sun is shining, its warm on our skins, we have fresh fruit and vegetables in our fridge and life IS good.................... My eldest daughter is making me proud..............a delightfully polite young lady who has now started work and is now a "grown up"! It doesn't seem like yesterday that I brought her in to the world and yet here I am an "old lady" with a daughter almost as old as I was when I gave birth to her (I hope she doesn't follow in my footsteps................there is plenty of time Amy if you are reading this ;-))

I AM lucky.......................In fact, I am also HAPPY......................noone said there wouldn't be rough with the smooth...................NOONE promised a life without worry or pain.................its all part of a normal existance, its how we manage it that matters? My life was perhaps a glass half empty, now I think its a glass half full................in fact, I am known for giving good measures so perhaps I should say its "almost full"?!

Once again..................

"Appreciate what you DO have, not what you DON'T"

Thank you dear friend for helping me to start forming a "new me" ..... a calmer, happier person as a result of your direction.......................I am going to make my family proud of me............I am going to be a good Mum...............I AM GOING TO BE MORE POSITIVE..............

MRI result

I'm home...............!

All went ok today though its been a long drawn out process to say the least!

The MRI was performed at 11-30am and took around 40 minutes to be completed. I opted to have just a brain rather than brain and spinal (purely from a costing point of view! Also, my previous lesions have been mainly on the brain so I think this is my weaker area).

The scan results were sent over to my Neurologist in Mount Elizabeth who saw me to discuss at 2-30pm. It seems there are more areas of sclerosis than even I had realised, one of which is on the brain stem itself. Fortunately it would appear none are "active" at present. The Neurologist is sourcing previous scans from the UK to see how stable the brain lesions are by way of comparisson. As always, the report has too many big words and phrases such as "multiple scattered foci of abnormal high signal" and "low signal density". I don't know if these are phrases to be concerned about but the Neurologist didn't comment on them so I didn't ask opting for the "ignorance is bliss" decision! I shant google either as Graham gets cross when I "self diagnose"! The headache continues though has eased slightly and as long as I continue with my "dark glasses" I am not suffering too much with my vision at present. The Neurologist seems to think that the fall I had from the treadmill 5 weeks ago (causing my fractured sacral bone) was likely to be due to an "episode" of which I am now recovering (that would make sense as my attacks usually last 6 weeks)

I shall have my periphial vision checked on Friday and have to see the Neurologist again in 2 weeks.

Brain Scan

Had another lousey couple of days.........Bad migraine like headaches and strange vision. Opticial tests suggested the optic nerve was swollen in both eyes so yesterday was spent at Mount Elizabeth between Neurologists and Opthalmic Specialists. The nerve is indeed rather pale in both eyes suggesting there could be a problem. The eyes were dilated and the constricted during the examination procedures but left me in rather a bad way.....the effects were supposed to last up to an hour but FOUR hours later I was in Accident and Emergency with little vision, one pupil like a saucer and the other like a pin! It appears I reacted badly to the medication! Today they are much better though still "glassy" and I am still wearing dark glasses even indoors! I have an MRI scan booked for 11-15am, if nothing else it will give the Neurologist a good idea of previos MS relapse history and confirm any "active lessions" that may be present. Its all a bit naff and I'm getting down over always feeling so rotten but try so hard to remember there are many far worse off. Graham flies to Cambodia today then on to Hong Kong I think? Not sure! It's a lonely difficult life when you are unwell as an Expat...........I'll update again later............

Jinxed.............................?!?!

I am beginning to wonder if I need to see someone about my constant "bad luck"..........I know everyone gets a share I know but I am beginning to feel I tend to receive more than my fair share with each new "issue" dragging me down just a bit further in to the wonderment of it all. I don't know how to stop it.......................I don't know who to ask......................Graham says there are "bad kama" experts? I don't know about them and don't even know if they work but I think I'd give them a try if they do.........................

Car accident

I was travelling UP Siglap Road.......Up in front I saw a dust cart turn down Elite Park Terrace and I was loathed to follow it due to the stench so decided to turn right along 2nd Avenue instead. I indicated, slowed down, didn't COMPLETELY stop as there was no one in my mirror or coming DOWN the hill but as I turned met with a loud collision on my drivers side with a motor cyclist who was travelling fast whilst "overtaking me"......I saw him drop his bike and slide before getting up so asked him to turn in to 2nd Avenue so that we were no longer in the path of oncoming traffic. He had a slightly grazed knee but thankfully no other injury. He admitted that he was riding too fast to stop when he saw my indicator and so had tried to speed past me before I actually turned. I guess he misjudged it as he drove straight in to the drivers side door and wing. The Police said there was no action for them to take as was down to insurance and that they would not be filing a report. I was met with a bit of "racism" with "Witnesses" who no longer spoke any English, only native or Malay and a Police Officer who didn't even ask if I was OK and referred to me as the "Ang Mo"! The ambulance gave the chap a plaster for his knee and went on their way. The Police also left. I had to take the car to a work shop for the repair/assessment and to an office in Ang Mo Kio to file a report. The lawyers there said I needed to get the Motor bike driver to say that he was travelling too fast. He agreed to do so and we arranged to meet in town.....sadly, before I could get him to give the golden confirmation of this he had spoken with friends who had told him not to and so he refused despite once again confirming that whilst he had seen my indicator he knew he couldn't stop so tried to "avoid me" instead...............HO HUM! I guess I shall have to leave it in the hands of the assessors now but feel quite confident that its fairly obvious that cars can't "side step" so the only way he could virtually have written off the area he did was by doing what he did do...........driving directly in to me! The car is a mess..........need complete new nose (due to it being part of one large piece) a new wheel, wheel axis, wing, door, wing mirror plus anything else they find when they get it up for inspection. The parts will need to be flown in from Korea so not sure how long before its fixed but it will cost several thousand. The bike apparently will cost $600 to "fix" but other than a broken stand and abrasions to paint work there didn't appear to be much damage. I guess the fact that he drove straight in to the panel meant most of the inpact was absorbed by his front wheel and the damaged incurred was merely where he dropped the bike. Anyway, thats that........... Ho Hum! I am however grateful that there was no major damage to the one thing no price can be put to...................LIFE. My back is rather painful but I think its due to the jolt and stress making the muscle cramp rather than any further damage to the sacral bone.

My MUM!

My Mum is coming.............YAY!!!!!

Noone looks after you like "Mummy does"................

I am SO looking forward to having her here with us, especially with Graham being away in Europe. Its funny really what I miss as an expat................I don't miss England but I do miss "silly" things............things like showing off my fruiting papayas or bananas! Perhaps a new skirt or blouse. Telling people I love them in person (Not that I tell everyone I love them you'll understand?!?!). The smell of my Mums "Lenor" fabric conditioner! The jokes we can only share when we are together (along with a bit of "gossiping") The list actually is endless! These things all seem a bit "trivial" but some times they don't seem that way!

Anyway..............come the weekend, I shall be able to enjoy my Mum and gain a few more of the wonderful memories that keep me going through the "gray days"!